Episode #14 - Metallica, Motley or Maiden?
In which the Sadmen attempt to properly answer one of the apparently interminable posers that made up the questionnaire the boys filled out for this website’s About page.
Spoiler alert … they all said Metallica. And then they got to pondering, as older men of a certain vintage tend to do about life, whether this was actually true, and one of them - we forget which (another gift bestowed upon those of advancing years) - suggested that they should subject their gut responses to the sophisticated scrutiny and science of an Enter Sadmen episode.
They fired up the Tico Torres Tombola of Topics and Themes, fed the years between 1980 and 1995 into it - the years within the pod’s scope in which all three bands were active - and waited for Tico to spit out a random choice.
What they got was 1983, and three albums all released within four months of each other.
Iron Maiden - Piece of Mind (1983)
It seemed as though Bruce ‘Bruce’ Dickinson had barely stepped across the threshold of his new home within Iron Maiden when Piece of Mind hit the shelves.
The bullet-belted privately-educated international-fencer-turned-air-raid-siren (by which we’re talking epees rather than earthworks) had appeared on his debut Maiden album, and the band’s third, just12 months previously, and the vapour trail that was the carbon footprint of the Number of the Beast world tour had yet to fully evaporate.
Even so, no sooner had the band slept off the jet lag than they entered the studio with new drummer Nicko McBrain, formerly of French rockers Trust, and like the rock and roll navvies they were, they began to tarmac the next section of the road to world domination.
So what would our three musketeers make of album number four? Ready yourselves for signature galloping, Greek mythology, the Battle of Balaclava, one cuntish author and the appearance for the first time in a heavy metal song of the word surmise …
Metallica - Kill ‘Em All (1983)
Well, wasn’t this a doozy? The soon-to-be-crowned global kings of rock are joined in the episode by the band that would, a few years later, wrestle that particular crown from them. It was as though Alexander the Great had ridden into the fray, broadsword aloft and with world domination on his mind. Ripe material for a Bruce Dickinson composition, should he ever feel the urge. Oh, wait …
Anyway. We digress. Knocking on the door and demanding admittance are four kids from California, and they’ve brought with them the record that would forever change the face of heavy metal, though at the time there were only 15,000 copies to be found anywhere in the world.
But the road to the top is never easy, and it’s not made easier when you’re riding into town, six-guns a-twirlin’ and manage to shoot yourself in the foot. Which the boys conclude Metallica did almost effortlessly midway through a debut album that otherwise offered at least four stone cold and soon-to-be classics.
So, did one track on Kill ‘Em All manage to kill all hope of the album securing a top ten place in the Hall of Fame?
Motley Crüe - Shout At The Devil (1983)
Every party has a clown prince, the guy or girl with the drop-dead looks who turns up with enough alcohol to fuel a jet and enough good time swagger to keep things rocking until dawn. They’re the person almost everyone else wants to hate. They’re also the person pretty much everyone else wants to be.
This party brought four of the fuckers. Only these clowns had the makeup to match the swagger, a sound that could kickstart hearts and a bravura that may not have made them kings of the world, but certainly made them the kings of The Strip for a decade or more. And in the end, which king would you rather be?
It’s easy to make fun of the Crüe, but at least two of the Sadmen grew up wanting to be Nikki, Tommy or Vince (Mick? Not so much) and the boys from LA had already set their stall out in 1982 with the riotous Too Fast For Love as something of an amuse bouche. So, would Shout At The Devil be a palate cleanser, or a stack of prime rib smothered in 70 per cent proof Jack Daniel’s marinade?
Amidst all the questions in this episode, there was no doubt about one thing: whether it was six-shooters or a sniper rifle, the big guns were definitely out …